The Power of Radiance
--
If someone were to say I had been living a life diminished. Good. Nice. Quiet. Respectable. Pleasing…
It would be an understatement.
The exhausting tragedy of racism pushed me into a shell of myself. Into a form I subconsciously thought would help. A form others might find acceptable. A form that would surely advance me and other Black people too.
Because you would see me and know... Just KNOW that Black people ARE good. I represent! Can’t you see? We are kind. And smart. And caring. And loving. I would be an example. You’d stop lumping all of us together into your negative stereotypes.
But you thought I was just the exception to the rule. “You’re different” you’d say, like that was a compliment. And it wasn’t enough. It was never enough.
I contorted myself. I bent myself. I worried about your feelings and impressions and opinions.
Even as I write, I have to shove these questions from my thoughts. “Will my words bring to people’s minds that obnoxious and racist trope, ‘the angry Black woman’?” and “Will my blunt and unapologetic message turn some away?” I don’t care.
Massive events of historic significance and the fact that even in the isolation and distancing of a global pandemic, racism rages, force me to write. The state of human relations in the US renders my former thought process sadly laughable.
Let me back up. I was basically now years old when I stopped actually caring what people thought about me. I love care deeply about people and community, but I don’t take your opinion of me personally anymore.
I haven’t “cared” in a while, and I’m fully in IDGAF mode.
You can judge me if you want, but remember, I don’t care. I’m not alone. There are millions of people out here just like me.
The slide toward being unbothered has been about a five year journey. It comes with age, maturity, and time. But for me it has been catalyzed by absolute RAGE.
Rage that no matter what Black people do, it’s never good enough.
So, I just stopped caring what you thought.
Who is you? You is “Ypipo.”
Now, let me say before I go on, some of my best friends are white people. Like I said, I love all people. Unless you hurt me and mine, we’re good. I promise. I’m not lumping everyone together, but Ypipo are different.
The continuous and insidious efforts of Ypipo to maintain whiteness as normative are finally crumbling. It’s like the first time Neo sees behind the machine in The Matrix. It’s all just a facade wrapped in an illusion.
I made a joke on social media that if you think about it from the perspective of majority population, then the statistical norm of human beings should be the Han Chinese, and India is a close second. Just imagine how we could frame everything:
“Aww, you’re not Chinese, but you’re still pretty anyway.”
There is so much inside me that’s been bottled in. Pent up. Crushed down, Contorted. Here I am finally, at the nadir of my “youth” (ha!) pulling myself out of the positions I put myself in for so many years for your comfort.
Don’t be scared. It’s ok, I promise. You’re just gonna have to let a bunch of stuff go. Here’s a starter list for you to screenshot and keep handy.
- When you call 911 and play the race card because we’re walking, living, breathing, or playing, it gets people killed. Get your friend — you know who she is. Yep, the one whose name just popped in your head. Her. Stop. Enough. We will out you every time. We’re here. Get over it already.
- Crying actual tears while saying it’s “so hard” to think about racism is pathetic and manipulative. Seriously.
- It’s ok to say “racism” as you have critical conversations about current events at home and work. Here’s a list of words to practice aloud in front of your mirror:
racism. racist. white supremacy. structural racism. bias. blind spots.
Practice aloud 3–4 times a day before meetings, interviews, or family discussions. Feel free to add words you’re awkwardly trying to avoid.
4. Stop saying “Maybe (negative experience) didn’t happen because you’re Black.” You’re not allowed to say that anymore.
5. Understand that we are all being manipulated by the media, and how they portray all of us. Why? Because fear sells, and that’s how they make money.
6. Confederates are/were traitors. They fought to divide and separate from the United States of America. That rag doesn’t get to fly near my flag under the fake claim of “heritage.” People who wax fondly about the confederacy and secession from the United States are free to leave. For many of us in America, that era is one of pain, murder, family destruction, and brutalization.
7. It’s ok to feel awkward and uncomfortable. If you don’t know what to say, then just say, “I don’t understand, but I stand with you.” That’s enough.
8. The first “affirmative action” in the US was created so white men wouldn’t have to complete with women or any other men. Undoing that is a necessary, difficult, and important task.
9. Stop saying “I don’t see color.” Unless you’re blind, of course you do, and it’s as ignorant as saying “I don’t see hair” so as to not offend a bald person.
10. We’re not asking your permission for our liberty anymore. You can try to clench it in your fists until they bleed if you want to, but you don’t own America, American ideals, or our inalienable rights.
So, I’m done decreasing and diminishing myself for you. I’m late to the party, but I’m done. The dull shell that I created to hold in my glow, my shimmer, my talent, my voice, my love, my gifts, my rage, my standards, my beauty, my anger, my song, my soul, and my God-given light has been shattered.
It’s probably a safe assumption that we all create a protective shell in response to living in and with the challenges of this world. A shell of hate fomented by fear. A shell of uncertainty or jealousy. A shell of insecurity wrapped with worry. I hope that you will see that your shell isn’t serving you, and I hope you will find a way to break through.
It’s glorious out here.